I just saw an advertisement that said “resilience is trainable.“ This elicited an immediate, visible eye roll and audible OY from me.
I bristle at the commodification of caring for the soul that now puts pressure on people, so that if they are not feeling resilient, it’s because they’re not working hard enough. Many people feel that they’re fundamentally not enough as they are, not doing it right, failing themselves and everybody else.
Sometimes life breaks you. Sometimes life breaks you open. Sometimes life gives you a breakthrough. You don’t always get to choose which one.
The message “resilience is trainable” defaults to the individualization of care. It’s on you. Do the work. Work harder. You must make yourself resilient, like there’s a special machine for that at the gym or something.
I would say instead, “resilience is relational.” as it is said in 12 step recovery programs, “together we can do what we could never do alone.” That relationship might be with other people, or it might be with your dog or cat, the forest, the ocean, God, the ancestors. Whatever and whomever provide that loving presence, that is your secret sauce.
Resilience is something we feel when we are broken or broken open, and we are well supported by the loving presence of others who are not trying to fix us, train us or do anything other than hold us in our broken pieces while the Divine glue puts us back together.
Support is trainable. Resilience is a spiritual, emotional and physical condition of knowing and trusting that we are not alone.
Take my hand.